I'm Not Moving!

The phone call came in between applying my foundation and curling my eyelashes. I knew it was “the call” the second I saw MOM appear on the screen. Heartbroken and weeping, I hung up to phone and buried my head in my hands. My Grandpa had left us. I would have crawled in bed for the night, clinging to memories and stories, but I had a visitor en route from MN to CO whom I was over-the-moon excited about seeing. After all, it had been 20-ish years! 

How do I juggle these emotions when they are more opposite than black and white? How do I balance being so happy yet so sad? How do I grieve the death of my grandpa yet the birth of a new relationship? HOW DO I KNOW?

I can't forget the unknown of where God wants me to be in Minnesota when I move back…in 2 months. The uncertain feelings of “am I doing the right thing?” and “am I applying and interviewing to the right places?” is consuming my thoughts more than I would like them to. Is there Tylenol for a constant month-long headache?

My Grandpa was a do-er; a man who didn’t wait around for things to get done because he knew very well he could check them off the list himself. He built benches and flowerpots and playhouses for his granddaughters. He assembled cooling pads out of used wine corks and napkin holders that held up better than the rest of them. My Grandpa used his hands more than his credit card, something we should all pen down in our book of life. 

Bench made by my Grandpa on display at his funeral

He was a man who donned many hats, one of which was a cheerleader for his grandkids. Whether he was in the stands or miles away, he was with us through the ups and downs of our lives. My aunt shared a story at his funeral where my grandpa attended my cousins softball game. He got scolded repeatedly from the umpires because he wanted to sit behind the dugout and the rules clearly stated that spectators needed to be in the stands.

“My granddaughter is playing and I want to sit here and watch her. I'm not moving!”

Battle Lake Turtle Races from Peterson Family Reunion

He never moved. He didn’t care that the “rules” said he couldn’t be there because who made these “rules” anyways? He was there for support and encouragement and the peanuts. He was there because he wanted to be. 

I wonder where I got my stubborn ways from….?

I’ve prayed for clarity and direction. I’ve prayed to be trusting and obedient and compliant. I’ve spent time hearing words from my aunt, best friends, sister-in-laws and brothers, all reminding me that everything works out and go where I want to go, not where “they” tell me to go. I've opened my e-mail to read words that I swear were sent to me because the timing of them were more than perfect. 

From Brave Girls Club:

You know where you want to be, and even where you are meant to be....but YOU are the only one holding you back from taking the first step towards that place Sometimes you just have to jump...you just have to take that leap....JUMP....even if you feel like you aren't ready. We can make a million excuses for all of the reasons why we aren't ready...why it isn't the right time yet, why we aren't up to the challenge, why we don't have time or why we just don't have what it takes to EVER do it, but really.... all we need to do is take the first step, the first leap....and then keep going. It won't be much different if we wait. It will still be the first scary step, the first scary leap....but if we wait, we might never do it. YOU KNOW it's time. . Don't hold yourself back anymore.....take the leap. If you don't like it...you don't have to keep going....but chances are, you will. Bliss will fill you up and you will feel so on track!

So where am I at? Well, I still have a headache. I still cling to God and journaling and loved ones. I still have no idea what my move back to Minnesota looks like. I still can't get over that the man I've prayed for is now the man I call my boyfriend. I still get a pit in my stomach when I think about leaving Denver. I still have an aching, fragile heart over the passing of my Grandpa. 

What do I know, though? I know that I am deserving of happiness, no matter what “they” say or the “rules” say. I want to go where I want, do what I want, be with who I want, because I know I am deserving of so much. We all are. If we all lived life according to how others think we should live, we would most likely end up like THIS.

My Grandpa lived to be 88 years old. 65 of those years were spent married to my Grandma. During that time, they grew their family by having 5 children who went on to marry, giving my grandparents 17 grandchildren and 14 great-grandchildren. My Grandpa served in the navy, enjoyed woodworking and traveling, and never listened to what "they" had to say. If I can leave my time on earth saying all those things, than I don't want to listen to them either!