There are things we don’t have that we will never have and then there are things we don’t have that just take time to acquire. She had what I wanted but I knew there was no way I could make it happen. Yet.
Ambition, independence, beauty, strong friendships, a Christian faith --- she possessed all those and I craved them for my own life. I wanted to be part of a group of girls who could go out on a Friday night and sit together at church on Sunday morning. I wanted a job that challenged me and rewarded me with a raise and I wanted my hair to be long and worthy of the twirl curl just like hers. I felt jealous and angry and selfish as I wanted those things and I wanted them to show up at my doorstep that day. My mom calls it instant gratification; I call it helping the postal service stay open.
I had one of those moments at church this Sunday where my wants came full circle and suddenly made perfect and utter sense. After a weekend spent with new friends, ones that I laughed and danced and smiled with, I looked to my left and to my right, and those same friends were sitting next to me in the pew. If hearts could do somersaults, mine did fifty. I was that woman that I wanted to be 5 months prior.
First came the sermon.
“…We need to stop continually working as machines and put humanity back in our everyday conversation. Connect with God to work with others. What’s the thing you can’t stop doing? Find what it is you love to do and make it your job.”
And then came the prayer following the sermon.
“…God, show us everyday what our calling is. What is that one thing we should be doing to help others grow and make a difference?”
Hands crossed, eyes closed. Tears started to well up as He made it clear what I was meant to do with my time here. What I saw in my head at that moment will never be erased from my memory and either will this whole episode all together. All I saw in my head were three letters:
Goosebumps shot up like weeds and an overwhelming yet calm feeling rushed through me. That was my calling. That is my calling. Writing, sharing, helping, inspiring, being there for others, that’s what I live and breathe for. High five God, you kind of-sort of rocked my face off this Sunday.
Rushing and hurrying through this one life we have leaves us feeling unaccomplished and empty if we really slow down and ponder it. We have these grand visions of all the things we want and if they aren’t in arms reach, we feel like a failure. You may not have your ideal job or that close knit group of friends. You may still be listening for your calling or wondering when your relationship with God will starting forming. Beautiful dreams aren’t crafted over night. Life is a journey, a winding path-rocky road-detour filled road trip. Keep working towards your aspirations because one day you will look back and realize that they have all come true.
To Carli for being the woman that I looked up to without barely even knowing you. Thank you for joining me on this crazy awesome adventure that we call Styled With Strength. You are helping me live out my dream and are the best co-worker to date. You have made me a better writer, thinker, do-er, and most importantly, a better person. I don’t know if the fact that we talk more than most people in relationships do is sad or cute, but I don’t hate it.
To my Arizona girls for adopting me and showing me that new friendships are never far away. Through our coffee dates, walks around the park, talks before bed, hanging around the kitchen sipping wine, and everything else we have done in the two short weeks I have known you, I am continually blessed and thankful for each and every one of you (even if you make me say “bag” and “roof” purely for your entertainment).