When I think I am fine, when I think the scars have healed & the heartache has passed, when my life kinda-sorta-maybe makes sense, I retreat back to the old me. The me who could cry on command, lay in bed all day, for-go social gatherings, be & do everything that I have tried so hard not to.
I know why I do this, why I am feeling this way. It's not all about the things I have lost, it's about the total uncertainty of my life. It's about the millions of unanswered questions I have floating in my head, the search for the "blessing" that is coming from this "curse".
I have been told that life never does make sense, that we are never suppose to have all the answers. I get this. But I literally have no idea what my purpose is right now. As friends are accepting jobs, getting married, moving in to houses, I can't help but be completely, over the top jealous of them. Why can't that be me?
I have good days, really good days, & then I have bad days (or weeks). & this week is one of them. Like always, in the midst of this storm, it too shall pass. Years from now I will look back on these times & thank God for bringing me through them. Whether I see it now or not, I am learning. I am learning to fight through my insecurities & keep moving forward because gosh darn it I deserve it.