Friday, June 1, 2012


When I think I am fine, when I think the scars have healed & the heartache has passed, when my life kinda-sorta-maybe makes sense, I retreat back to the old me. The me who could cry on command, lay in bed all day, for-go social gatherings, be & do everything that I have tried so hard not to. 

I know why I do this, why I am feeling this way. It's not all about the things I have lost, it's about the total uncertainty of my life. It's about the millions of unanswered questions I have floating in my head, the search for the "blessing" that is coming from this "curse". 

I have been told that life never does make sense, that we are never suppose to have all the answers. I get this. But I literally have no idea what my purpose is right now. As friends are accepting jobs, getting married, moving in to houses, I can't help but be completely, over the top jealous of them. Why can't that be me?

I have good days, really good days, & then I have bad days (or weeks). & this week is one of them. Like always, in the midst of this storm, it too shall pass. Years from now I will look back on these times & thank God for bringing me through them. Whether I see it now or not, I am learning. I am learning to fight through my insecurities & keep moving forward because gosh darn it I deserve it. 


  1. You took the words out of my mouth with this post. Even with a new house and wedding, I still feel this way. The feeling of uncertainty is awful. I finally just told myself to take a step back and evaluate what was truly important to me. I've been working at a job for three months now and it gets worse everyday. The money is about the only thing that keeps me going. I had all these "what ifs" pop into my head if I considered quitting. What if I can't afford my house anymore? What if I can't afford anything for the wedding? What if I don't get things done on time because I haven't had a day off since I started? The stress was killing me and I woke up this morning, drove into work and put in my two weeks. Was it easy? No. Am I happier? Absolutely. I know that this may mean getting three jobs to compensate for this one, but it is such a relief. Regardless of money, I just told myself I would not work for a company that was so unorganized, money hungry, and left me with little to no family time whatsoever. I too am jealous of everyone who has accepted teaching positions or other jobs they've been waiting for. I constantly tell myself I am too educted to be working at these random jobs, and I know my heart is in education. Why isn't it us accepting positions? When will our time come? Will it ever come? The uncertaintly kills me too, but we just have to let life run its cycle and know that God has a plan. In the meantime, do what makes YOU happy and don't let anyone try to fool you into thinking otherwise.

  2. First off, thank you for commenting & sharing your story. As much as we all love some "good" money, it isn't worth our sanity & happiness if we are working for money & not working because we love what we are doing. Like you said, why isn't it us accepting positions? But I honestly believe that we are not getting these jobs because He has something better waiting for us. It all just comes with time. So, in the waiting & wondering, I have decided to take things one day at a time & be thankful for all the things I do have. Again, thank you for the comment & I can't wait to see what God has in store for you & your soon to be hubby : )