Tuesday, July 10, 2012

where is the mud?

But seriously, where is this mud that I keep walking through and keep getting stuck in? I feel as though I take one step forward & not 3, not 4, but 678,938,430,984 steps back.

It always works in mysterious, & annoying ways. It's days when I realize that slowly but surely, things are starting to fall in place & make sense, are also the days that something falls apart & puts me right back at square one. It's a tease. I know what I want, I can see it, yet I keep getting knocked down. It's like someone is watching me & the second they see that I am content, they throw a curveball at me.

This is my journal. My words, thoughts, feelings, there all mine. So when I say that I have cried every day for the past week, I feel embarrassed. Yet at the same time, that's my life. I have such a fire inside of me that is ready to be put towards a job, a person, a place, but I can't seem to find the matches to light it. It's frustrating. Very, very frustrating.

I have applied for jobs like it's my job. Cover letter, resume, references, all sent to multiple employers & each time I get nothing. I feel defeated & discouraged. I yearn so much for that job that I can't wait to get to each morning, that job that challenges my creativity & personality.

In these days of confusion, I can't help but remind myself that this is life. This is my life. If I give up, I won't get anywhere. I can't, & won't, let myself be this person.

I will put on my big girl underwear, keep applying for jobs, keep believing that something great is about to happen, tell myself that there is a reason for all these setbacks, & keep moving forward.  

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